07/05/2024
 
Bite'm quotes Led Zeppelin
President Bite'm was interviewed by ABC's George Stephanopulance last week about his debate fuckup.
Blaming a bad cold, lack of sleep, overwork, and ignoring his advisors, President Bite'm added Led Zeppelin's words, "Nobody's fault but mine," repeating it several times.
Georgie Boy asked how he would feel if he stayed in the race and lost.
"I'd feel like I did my best."
He wasn't asked how he would feel if he dropped out and King Donald the Dishonest still won.
Yesterday, SinAtore Featherman pointed out that Bite'm was the only person in the world ever to "kick Trump's ass in an election." Perhaps the Dumbocrats in the House who want Bite'm to drop out should resign, because none of them are thinking half as clearly as the president is.
07/08/2024
 
Boing! pleads guilty to felony fraud, is charged a small fine.
The multiple frauds resulted in hundreds of human beings violently killed.
If you get drunk and crash your car, you may lose everything and spend the rest of your life in prison. The fraudsters guilty of negligent manslaughter get away scott-free, the company they run pays a fine.
Meanwhile, another tire fell off of a Boing! jet in flight yesterday as the felony plea and fine were being publicised. The fine is simply a small cost of doing business; the taxpaying, airline riding passengers will pay the fine for Boing!'s dangerous illegality.
"Justice" in America.
07/09/2024
 
Mainstream News Media Join Fox in supporting King Donald the Rancid
All of the news channels are talking about nothing but how the Dumbocrats in the House of Reprehisnsibles want President Bite'm to drop out of the race.
The reality is that only eight out of all two hundred thirteen House Democraps want him to drop out.
Why is the mainstream pushing this transparent fraud? It's simple: the uber rich scumbags who own ALL of the mainstream media want King Donald and his Fascist policies. They want Trump to be like Putin, and they like Putin's goons. The word "evil" sums it up nicely.
07/10/2024
 
King Donald the Dufus almost ass ass in ate... Id?
Friday the thirteenth was extremely lucky for King Donald the Looter, coming on a Saturday this week, who came two inches from having his brains freed.
A sniper barely missed blowing King Donald the Disgusting's head off today at a rally at, er, somewhere. The bullet grazed the crazed Ex-President's ear before blowing one of his brainless followers' brains out.
The would-be assassin was, of course, "dispatched."
07/13/2024
 
King Donald the Bloody released from the hospital
In the aftermath of yesterday's attempted murder of the former reality TV president by a twenty year old Re-pub lickin' with an AR ("assault rifle") styled rifle, the presidunce and former presidunces, congriefs, and the monster stream media all saying to turn down the violent rhetoric.
All of the violence and violent rhetoric has come from King Donald the Dim and his supporters.
We at the Nooze expect the Radicalpublicans to turn the rhetoric up, and ignore all calls for sanity. Expecting anything else is just foolish.
07/14/2024
 
"I'm voting for the felon!"
Since the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, the Republicans were a conservative, law-and-order party devoted to democracy, the Constitution, and the rule of law.
Those days ended when King Donald the Fraudster was elected president in 2016. Today people at the Reprehensible Party, no longer the least bit conservative but insisting that they are indeed conservative, that only conservatives can define that word, like only gays can redefine the word "gay".
It's a pity they didn't fit the late President Eisenhower with strong magnets, as his spinning in the grave could power America.
07/15/2024
 
Oh, shit!
The boss was chewing out the new guy just to instill a healthy dose of fear into him when a stranger came to the door. I'd never seen him before, but I knew who it was. It was the time-traveling space alien from the future, in disguise.
How could I tell? It was easy, he didn't look real, he looked more like CGI, which is even weirder in person than in a movie. The boss, however, is luckily nearsighted but refuses to wear glasses out of vanity, despite being a very ugly man, and won't wear contacts because he fears to touch his eyes.
"Excuse me," the alien said. The new guy looked like we might smell fecal matter shortly, as maybe he was about to shit his pants. "Uh, can I get back to work now, sir?" he asked the boss, shaking.
"You had better," the boss growled. Harry scurried out of there, hopefully to the rest room in time.
"Who are you?" the boss demanded squinting.
"He's the space alien Roger told you about," I said. Unlike the new guy, I don't really need this stupid job but it amuses me.
"I don't believe in space aliens!"
As he was glaring at Rority, our descendant from millions of years in the future, Rority dropped his disguise, made of nobots. I have no clue what a "nobot" is, that's just what he said.
The boss doesn't have good eyes but he's not Ray Charles. His weak eyes got big when Rority suddenly looked like himself; in short, an Area 51 alien.
"I had to keep Trump alive," the alien said.
"I told you!" the boss said beaming. "Biden will destroy the world!"
"Biden has nothing to do with it," the alien said. "Destruction and misery are coming no matter who wins the election. A world-wide economic depression like the world experienced a century ago will happed... has happened. How it happens matters. Sure, if that orange guy gets in, his policies will cause it to happen much sooner, but I had to come back to make sure it happened before Hobart."
"Hobart?" I asked.
"I can't tell you."
The boss asked "Why not?"
"He knows," he said, pointing to me.
He laughed and vanished. The boss stood there with his jaw hanging open. "Why...?"
"You don't want to know."
"Don't tell me what I want!"
I shrugged. "If we print it, well, we're already like the National Enquirer to most people, not much more trustworthy than Fox and a lot less competent."
His shoulders sagged and he slunk out.
The alien reappeared.
"You again!" I exclaimed, grinning. Actually, suppressing a laugh. "So why are we going to have a depression, and why do we have to?"
"First, read your history. A depression always happens when too few people have too much of the money. Second, and third, it's necessary to slow global warming until you idiots stop burning fossils, and if that doesn't happen the thermonuclear war will."
07/16/2024
 
Musk moves to a more Nazi-friendly state
Eloi Musk, already having moved to Tex ass, one of the two most Fascist states in America, is hatching plans to move SpaceNazi, Trashla, and the X -Twit Her there for ideotlogical reasons. That, and Tex ass has no state income tax. It's also legal to murder Blacks, Homosexuals, Hippies, and foreigners there.
"California is too woke. How can you people do anything if you're not asleep at the wheel?"
07/17/2024
 
"I didn't do it! Honest!
Almost the entire commercial internet went down yesterday, and our IT guy Roger is worried. "Not again! I hate jail!"
We couldn't calm him down. But ClownStrike, some geek company nobody but Roger ever heard of, said it was Microsoft's incompetence that caused it.
Governments, police dispatchers, and airlines were all shut down, thanks to Microsoft's overpaid, incompetent staff who pushed out a secirity patch that made many Windows computers so secure their owners couldn't access them. It also disabled the sound recording app Audacity.
No one running BSD, Apple, Unix, Linux, or any other operating system had a problem, unless of course they wanted to ride an airliner or call 911.
07/19/2024
 
Democrats give up on Democracy
Voters, knowing damned full well that President Bite'm is the only one ever to "Kick Trump's ass in an election," as one senator put it, overwhelmingly voted for the presidunce in the primary. But after a minority of congress critters begged him to give up on democracy and guarantee King Donald the Awful will be America's new Putin, Bite'm waved the white flag and threw in the towel like the weak coward King Donald paints him as.
On the other hand, President Zelenskyy has yet to give up in his fight against King Donald's best friend and puppetmaster. With King Donald the Bloody in charge, America will be Amerikkka and Ukraine will belong to Russia by the end of the year.
07/21/2024
 
And the incompetence continues...
The ClownStrike fuckup is still raging, with people sleeping in airports, still waiting for flights. Since no one has asked, we will:
Is anybody going to go bankrupt over this clusterfuck? The first to come to mind is ClownStrike, who will certainly be sued by the companies it has carelessly cost billions of dollars.
Next in line will be Dull?Duh! Airlines, who had more than just tickets tied up with ClownStrike, and the airline that was hit the hardest. Everyone who bought a ticket is certain to sue the airlines; all of them.
Boing! gets off scott free, as their careless incompetence that killed hundreds was let off the hook by the feds.
Then there's the incompetent head of the Suckret Service, who was hauled in front of Con guess yesterday and refused to answer the cons' questions. She was likely to be impeached, as she pissed everyone off. She left, resigning her job.
07/23/2024
 
Coverup or fuckup?
For the last week or two the mindless stream media have been reporting on a sheriff's deputy who murdered a woman who called the police. The deputy is now waiting in the Menard county jail on five felonies.
It didn't make the national news until the body cam of the murder, from his partner's camera since his was shut off, was released. It clearly showed cold-blooded murder. Local TV showed the booking photo of the murderous deputy, complete with death head tattoos on his right arm.
The national media cropped the photo to not show the tattoos, and didn't ask why anyone with evil tattoos like that can become a cop? You can't work for Disney if you have any tattoos at all!
More damning on the media, they simply said "a small town in Illinois." The "small town" is Southern View, a part of Springfield, Illinois' capitol city!
Malice or incompetence? "Hanlon's Razor," which posited "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity" is attributed to Robert J. Hanlon, who submitted the statement to Murphy's Law Book Two. Stupidity? How about incompetence or apathy?
It is not known why he's in the Menard county jail rather than Sangamon county, where the murder took place.
07/24/2024
 
Does the News read the Nooze?
After Wednesday's post, above (no nooze yesterday), CBS News, former home of Walter Cronkite who should have also been fitted with magnets after his death, actually mentioned the name Springfield, Illinois.
However, it was probably because Governor Pritsked Her spoke about the murder.
They never showed the evil signs on the murdering law enforcement officer's arm, they were cropped out. Here is the image, although this one is only similar to the one on his arm.
Hate crime? The feds are interested, after all.
07/26/2024
 
King Donald the slandererererer vows to make America Russian again
First, of course, he slandered his opponent, Vice Presidunce Harmus. That's what he has always done. The thirty four time felon called the former federal prosecuter "anti-police." Meanwhile, his vice presidential pick said three years agio that he hated police; it was videorecorded.
Then the king said again that he would be America's Putin and destroy democracy. "Christians, get out and vote. Just this time. You won't have to do it any more," obviously ignorantly thinking that Christians are all brainless morons.
Vice Presidance Harmless responded "Before I was elected as vice presi-dent, I was a courtroom prosecutor. In those roles, I took on perpetrators of all kinds. Predators who abused women. Fraudsters who ripped off consumers. Cheaters who broke the rules for their own gain. So hear me when I say: I know Donald Trump's type."
07/28/2024
 
Democrats remember what they're named after
Following a day or two of Democrats forgetting that we, the people voted for the Biden-Harris ticket and talking of a fight in the already-settled primary, they quickly came to their senses and backed the vice present dent.
It's a new race. The choice is now not an old politician against an old fraudster, it's now a federal prosecutor against a thirty four time felon.
07/29/2024
 
President Bite'm bites the Supremes, Aretha Franklin uninjured
President Brandon tore into the SCROTUM (Supreme Court Reality Of The United Masters), calling for a Constitutional Amendment mandating enforceable ethics laws and term limits for the Supremes, and a statement that the president is never above the law, even in an official capacity.
His Vice President (in charge of vice; she's a former federal prosecutor) quickly echoed the old man. Meanwhile, Eloi Musky broke his own damned rules at the X -Twit'er by posting an AI generated video of her trashing the presidunce and her own campaign. The Nazi Musk also called her "the ultimate diversity hire."
It is the sort of AI use experts have been warning about, although experts never said anything about the Nazi himself.
07/30/2024
 
August