October
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We are sorry for the inconvinience
Our server was down again, or so we thought. Roger is still in the hospital; there were "complications" with his surgery.
He sent his eight year old nephew over to figire it out. He said it was a bad router. "Those things are expensive" he told the boss, who paid him a thousand dollars to acquire a replacement.
10/03/2024
Bank of Amerikkka steals all of its customers' deposits
People checking their Bank of Amerikkka accounts, or trying to cash a check yesterdsy, freaked out when they discovered that the bank had stolen all of their money; all of their accounts showed $0.00.
Their lawyers caught wind of it before the police, who were all on the bank's payroll did, and convinced the evil bankers to return all of the money before they were all arrested for felony fraud, like a former US president. The bank told their victimscustomers "We are sorry for the inconvinience."
10/03/2024
King Pinnochio the Truthful re-lights his gas lamp
Yesterday King Dumb Old, In (as Britain's Gaurdian puts it) "a foul-mouthed tirade about undocumented immigrants" turned his gas lamp all the way up, predicting that if Harmhim was elected, democracy was over and America would forever be a dictatorship.
He claimed that "radical left wing lunatics" want to import criminals and terrorists from prisons and insane asylums. He claimed that the US was "harboring a record number of terrorists."
It is possibly the first time in history that a presidential candidate would use the word "fucking" in a fun razor. The lowest ticket price to Old Don's freak show was $25,000.
10/04/2024
The return to the scene of the crime
Over the weak end, King Dumb Old returned to Butler, where he escaped death by a fraction of an inch last summer. He terrified the hurricane-stricken people and demoralized the aid workers by baldly facedly lying that FEMA was broke because they used up their budget housing illegal aliens.
Rority, the space alien from millions of years in the future said "Really? Where's my house?"
The non-alternate facts are that Con grass gave FEMA two purses; one with disaster money, and one with alien money. Disaster money is not going to foreigners unless they own property in the flooded states. FEMA is neither broke nor slow to act, despite what King Pinnochio says.
The king also lied that Republican't counties weren't getting any help, making one wonder if Dumbocrats will get any relief from disasters if the King is re-crowned?
He continued to insist that America is a crime-ridden hell hole where nobody can leave their house without fear of being shot and/or robbed. The facts are that both violent crime and property crime have been going down ever since we fired the dumb old liar in 2020.
10/07/2024
Marjorie Taylor Greenesmoke says Dim-o-crats can control the weather
The statement seems at first to be insane. Then the thought occurs that if Dummycrats can control the weather and RePUBlickin's can't, then Dimocraps must be smarter than Repothuglicans?
Coincidenmtally, as Jermain was giving us these thoughts, a stranger with a Bible entered the room. I was startled and asked who he was.
The stranger just smiled and said "My name is not important. Greene is right: Only GOD can control the weather. So GOD is obviously a Demo crat!"
The boss' voice came over the intercom. He had apparently been eavesdropping. "The man asked who you were!"
The stranger cleared his throat embarrassedly. "Slartibartfast." Everyone laughed.
"I told you it wasn't important."
The boss' voice came on again. "Need a job, budddy?"
10/08/2024
King Don Old answers the Nooze
On Monday after Old Don said Republican counties in the hurrican-ravaged south weren't getting help from FEMA, we wondered, "if Dumbocrats will get any relief from disasters if the King is re-crowned?"
He answered that question yesterday in California, saying they wouldn't, adding that if he's elected, California can kiss its fire money goodbye.
10/11/2024
King Dumbass the Grate keeps getting his followers in trouble
In Muddy Karolina, the Sherriff's office (if we've gotten this right) was warned of an armed militia that was going after FEMA workers, believing the king's evil lies. It caused FEMA to stop operations.
The militia turned out to be a single tRump supporter with an assault rifle who had threatened to kill FEMA workers. He was arrested ant taken into custody.
A completely different moron was caught inside the perimeter of one of The Dumbold's rallies. He, too, was arrested on weapons charges, although he wasn't there to shoot the king, he supports the king's recoronation.
Ronald, an editor, wondered if all of the king's supporters were dangerous violent people, but Steve, the janitor, said half of his friends support the king and they're otherwise normal people.
At another rally, the king said that anyone who was against him was an enemy of America and after he was elected he was sending the military after them. Apparently, people will be voting for Donnie because they're afraid not to, or at least not admit to voting against him.
10/15/2024
Sin War dead of natural causes
Terrorist Yaya Sin War, 62, was found dead of natural causes this morning when parts of him were found after the Gazan structure he was in was destroyed by an Is Raily tank.
Old Man Joe cheered. Old Man Donnie said "Who was he?"
10/17/2024
Someone please inform King Donold the Ignorant
The "father of IVF" is clueless. Ask him what IVF stands for.
If you're not as clueless as the king, you know that In Vitro Fertilization requires several eggs to be fertilized outside the womb, the most viable reimplanted, and the rest of the "babies" are destroyed or frozen when the woman becomes viably pregnant.
The king basically outlawed IVF when he appointed the three radical Supreme Court justices.
Just so you Catholics know. Oh, and anti-abortion isn't the only thing Catholics preach that isn't in the Bible. For instance, Jesus said to call no man "father", but they insist you call their preachers "father".
10/18/2024
King Donold the Vulgar discusses Arnold Palmer's dick
King Rancid held a rally in Arnold Palmer's birthplace and spoke lovingly of the golf pro's schlong, describing its size and majesty.
He then said Harris was, and we quote, "a shitty vice president."
So Presidential, the Donold is....
10/21/2024
Space Alien Elon Musk wants to buy your vote
The world's richest Nazi alien, born in South Afrikkka Apartheid and moved away when Apartheid was outlawed there, is reported to be buying votes to give to King Don Old the Nazi for xmas. Not Christmas, only Christians celebrate Christmas. Those who belong to the Church of Mammon and worship Plutus, the ancient Greek god of wealth celebrate xmas. Their holiest day is Black Friday, and their main temple is on Wall Street in New York. In America, Satan rules.
To be eligible you must be an eligible voter living in a swing state. Of course this is blatantly illegal, but laws only apply to we serfs, not nobility.
10/22/2024
Ronald McDonald kills one, sickens dozens, hospitalizes many
People in thirteen states were served poisoned hamburgers by the evil clown often seen in horror movies.
Of course, this is the spooky season; Hollow Weenie is soon and McDonald's just wanted to keep in the spirit of the season.
Of course, nobody was arrested for negligent manslaughter for the woman's death. This is America, where the law doesn't apply to deaths caused by the greed of CEOs.
10/23/2024
We forgot to mention...
Boing! had another part fall off six weeks ago, a very important part.
Their engineers went on strike. They just yesterday refused to return to Boing!'s rat-infested hovel.
Also, the day before yesterdsy when we wrote of Musk's generous price for your vote, we forgot to mention that it's illegal.
Of course, legality doesn't matter to the richest man in the world, who can easily pay any fine.
10/24/2024
Democracy dies in HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?!
For the first time in decades, big name monsterstream fishwrappers like the LA LA Times and Washington Putz have decided to not print already composed and edited columns supporting the cop lady after being paid visits by King Dumbold the Creepy's hired goons. A few competitors who never had the courage to make a choice are calling the papers that cowered before the goons cowards.
As the boss has instructed us to say, is that in our view, some gentlemen visited and spoke logically to change their minds.
We peons agree, and I hope the boss doesn't read this, because another Trump presidency is a filty rich vermin's wet dream. They don't give a rat's ass about America, but they'll sell a rat's ass. They'll sell out America, too.
10/25/2024
The king says he's not responsible
We apologize; Roger is still in the hospital, his nephew is in jail, and our network has been down. Roger was somehow able to fix it from the hospital with his cell phone.
Sunday the king held a rally at Madison Square Garden where the opening speakers told racist and sexists "jokes", the boss told us; he's a big Trump supporter (not with money). He told a lot of what he called "jokes" that were basically just insults to vast swathes of Americans. The only one we will repeat is the guy that called Puerto Rico "a floating island of garbage."
The king denied responsibility despite the fact that it was HIS rally. We do agree that the king is irresponsible.
When people complained about the racism, Jadey told them to lighten up, basically throwing the old "snowflake" epithet at them. Someone who hates you insults you horribly and you're not supposed to get angry, it's supposed to make you happy?
And Trump calls Harris "low IQ"!
10/30/2024
Google found guilty of cencorship by Russia, fined for their shenannigans
A Russian court issued a $20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.78 fine to Google for U-Toob not showing all their lying propaganda. Google is worth two trillian, they can afford it, right?
Well, good luck on collecting, the fine is more than the entire world's gross domestic product. Maybe Elon the Space Nazi could chip in a few bucks?
10/31/2024
November
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