Nutty Yahoo disolves cabinet
Nutty Yahoo reportedly removed his cabinet and immersed it in a strong acid. The type of acid wasn't... huh? What was that?
I've been told that the "cabinet" was just a bunch of people having somethinjg to do with his genocide getting fired, and if any acid was involved, it was probably LSD.
06/17/2024
 
Warning: Social Media may cause cancer, emphysema, COPD, schiool shootings, and sudden death
Surgeon General Viataek Murphy, recently promoted from Leutenant General, insisted that social media is a plague on society that kills millions of Americans like tobacco does.
It will take an act of congress to mandate warning labels like cigarettes have.
Social media were quiet on the subject, since few social media users ever read anything but social media.
06/18/2024
 
Louisiana makes the Constitution the official State Toilet Paper
The Mentally deficient government of the state of Louisiana has decreed that a poster sized copy of the Ten Commandments be displayed in every classroom in the state.
Of course, since the first five commandments are strictly against the Buddhist, Hindu, Druid, Wiccan, Satanic, and Athiest (Heathen) religions, it is strictly against the first amendment's guarantee of freedom of religion.
There are, apparently, an awful lot of incredibly ignorant Republicans who want a Christian version of Sharia law in America. The Nooze suggests that they all relocate to Iran or Afghanistan. Stop enshittifying America!
06/21/2024
 
Farsebook unearths plans to steal ownership of all art and literature posted on their site
A few dazed days ago we informed you that social media were bad for you. Farsebook just announced that starting Tuesday they will abscond your writings, photos, poor spelling and grammar, and obscene hand gestures for use in training their AI (Arty, fishy Insanity) computers to fool you into thinking not only that they can think, which they can't, but to convince you that it is you.
It is rumored that a throng (however big a "throng" is) of creative people are deleting their accounts, despite the near impossibility for anyone not in the EU, whose governments outlaw corporate shenanigans.
However, we have been informed that it is indeed possible for those outside the EU, just incredibly difficult. If you are an artist who wishes to delete your account, or just want to delete your account because theft is evil but you can't figure out how, find a bright twelve year old to help you.
06/23/2024
 
Space aliens from the future will change the Presiduncial debate?
The space alien from the future dropped by yesterday. Roger asked what I and the Big Boss thought was a stupid question, "Won't our knowing about you affect the future?"
He, the Big Boss, I, and most of the staff laughed. Unusual for the humans (we're protohumans, they're from millions of years in the future). They only laugh when they have a thing they call a "stratodoober."
"Only the wierdos will believe it. Besides, your circulation is tiny, your employer only has it as a tax dodge. I shouldn't tell you this, but... no, I can't. But I can tell you that I've come back to make sure the election comes out the way that doesn't destroy civilization."
"But how do you know what will happen?" Gilda, the new receptionist, asked.
The alien did something else they seldom do. He sighed. "It already happened. It's not hard for the number boys to figure it out. But don't tell anyone, it may cause civilization to end prematurely."
He then vanished. "Fuck him," the Big Boss said. "Printing this might get our circulation up enough to keep those tax bastards off of my back."
We at the Nooze have been instructed to tell you that the space alien from the future is full of shit.
06/24/2024
 
Julia Nasuage Pleads Guilty and Goes Home
Julia Nasuage, who has spent over a decade trying to stay out of an American Jail and rotting in various foreign prisons, has agreed to plead guily to one count of being a dangerous asshole in exchane for a sentence of time served.
We at the Nooze wonder how an Australian who has never set foot in the US can be charged with an American crime.
Is Iran's Sharia Law going to come here and arrest your Mom for not wearing a Burka? Or the British police coming to arrest you for owning a firearm?
06/26/2024
 
Astronouts who flew to ISS on the Booing! Starliner are stuck there.
Apparently, in the wish to become a British car manufacturer they wanted it to leak oil, but had to settle on hydrogen. However, this has caused a few other problems, like, uh, staranding the astronauts.
They may have to hitch hike back to Earth on a Nazi rocket.
In related Nooze, Boing! is in deeper trouble with the government for doing what they were expressly forbitten to do. Their answer? "Oops, sorry."
It is still not known why Boing!'s CEO is still not in prison for those dozens of negligent homicides.
06/27/2024
 
Oklahoma institutes Sharia Law
Outdoing Louisiana's arrogant idiocy in decreeing that the Ten Commandments shall be posted in every classroom, Okalahoma has ordered that public schools must teach the Bible.
Aren't politicians supposed to swear to defend the Constitution? That this insult to a kindergartner's intelligence and maturity is very clearly and blatantly against it, and you don't need a law degree to understand that?
I'm starting to think that not only do Republican lawmakers hate Democrats, they hate democracy and America.
06/28/2024
 
July