The, uh,
May

April
 
King Donald found guilty of contempt of court
King Donald the Grate was found guilty of nine counts of contempt yesterday by the judge in his porn star business fraud trial. He was given the maximum fine, a thousand dollars, for each count. That is, of course, like you being fined a dollar for contempt.
The judge warned him that if he keeps his evil shenannigans up, he's going to be locked up.
You or I would have already been in jail for ignoring a judge's orders. But Donald is king, laws don't apply to him or any other billionaire.
05/01/2024
 
King Donald threatens violence
Embattled King Donald, on his normal Wednesday break from being tried for porn star business fraud, held a rally where he threatened violence if he loses.
"Vote for me or I'll kick your ass" sounds more like campaign for high school class president than a campaign for the United States presidency.
05/02/2024

 
Death Star nearly completed
Sources on Tattooine and Listerine have informed us that word has leaked out that Lord Vader's rumored "death star" is nearing completion.
However, empire spokesthings assure us that the so-called "death star" is a hoax propagated by terrorists called "The Federation". Or something, sorry, we were paying attention to that hot Senator and kind of missed what was going on.
05/04/2024
 
Boing! SLS Moon rocket to go to the ISS tonight, and other undefined acronyms
The US's newest moon rocket, the Space Launch System, bounces off of the launch pad tonight in its first crewed test. It will rendevous at the International Space Station.
As this was built by Boing!, lets hope no door plugs, escape chutes, or wheels fall off.
UPDATE: Boing! (or most likely NASA) found the unnamed unbolted part. It will bounce into outer space maybe Tuesday, if nothing else falls off.
05/06/2024
 
Joe Bitin' Nutty Yahoo
Old Joes's been warning Nutty Yahoo not to invade Rough, Uh? Without making sure the civilians, all of whom Nutty Yahoo thinks is Ham Ass, are kept safe. A predicament, for sure. Why the genocide if he didn't believe that? Just a heartless bastard?
But Joey wasn't bluffing, and stopped shippong bombs to Israel.
05/08/2024
 
Irony isn't just what your Mommie uses to make your shirties flat
Crackhead Hunter Biden is slated to be tried next month, for the crime of posessing a firearm while fried and zombified.
Ironically, he plans to use a second amendment defense. His ol' dad is trying to tighten gun regulations. "Can't have that stipid kid shooting himself in the foot," he was never reported to have said.
05/09/2024
 
Cop murders uniformed American military man
In Florida (of course, sheesh!) a sheriff's deputy was answering a call about a disturbance at a quiet apartment, and knocked loudly on the man's door yelling "police! Open up!"
The door opened, and an Air Force airman in uniform opened the door, holding a pistol that was pointed towards the floor, his finger nowhere near the trigger.
The cowardly, poorly trained cop then murdered the man patriotic enough to serve in the military, emptying his gun, which he had drawn before knocking, as if he had planned the murder.
The deputy is still not in jail. This is not supposed to happen in America! This is a police state tactic.
America, land of the formerly free and home of the cowardly, poorly trained police. We should have a federal law that insists that any police officer whose actions result in anyone's death should be tried for murder, with the district attorney having no say in whether or not the dirty cop should be tried.
Google shows hundreds of photos of the airman, but not a single picture of the murderer's face.
05/10/2024
 
Co-hen testifies against the big hen
For those not acquainted of the practice of a co-hen, you city kids of course wouldn't know. The way the co-hen fraud works is when the big hen wants to go "bird watching" with a porn star, the co-hen sits on the "eggs" to make sure that they don't hatch prematurely, until after the big hen is crowned king.
This particular co-hen went to prison to defend the big hen's eggs, and she's PISSED!
05/13/2024
 
King Whiner's stooges invade courtroom
King Donald the Whiner was given something else to whine about when an army of his congressional stooges invaded the courtroom with their security details.
When the judge complained, the king whined "But I have no control over my stooges!"
The king's bleach blonde stooge with greene teeth was also causing her usual chaos in the House of Representatives. How that crazy woman got on any commitees is anybody's guess. Mine is that it is the result of some sort of dishonest hanky panky or other shenanigans. I have to say, she really has her nerve disrespecting another House member's looks.
05/17/2024
 
Another Supreme Court Nazi outed
It has been revealed that Supreme Court Nazi Sammy Elite-o flew an American flag upside down in support of King Donald's thwarted coup days after the January 6, 2021 coup attempt. The upside down American flag is a symbol of extreme distress and was used by the king's supporters during the coup attempt. This is the second Nazi on the court to have his cover blown, the first being the incredibly corrupt Constitution doubter Thomas. Who's next?
Patriots in the House and Senate called for him to recuse himself from any proceeding that has to do with 1/6, Fascism, or the Constitution he obviously hates. None of those calling for him to recuse himself were members of what used to be the "Republican" party, now run by Princess Trump and her fellow acolytes. We at the Nooze call for his impeachment.
The cowardly Elite-o blamed his wife, of course. Pitiful.
05/18/2024
 
Iranian President Ahminasso dead in helicopter crash
Allah called Iranian President Ahminasso home last night violently and painfully, taking half of Iran's government with him, by mashing the helicopter they were in into a mountain.
God was apparently unhappy with Iran, gifting it pea-soup fog and altogether nasty weather. They should have read the Christian Bible, "thou shalt not tempt the lord thy God!" Rest in Pieces, Prez. Good riddance.
05/20/2024
 
Busted!
On the lam ever since Rudie "Skaface" Jewelyainthe's indictment was announced, and after taunting authorities with "Nyah nyah you can't find me!", authorities found him by recognizing the TV set he was giving a live interview taunting them from.
Papers were served, sans ketchup. I have few hopes of his surviving prison. His puppetmaster, on the other hand, will probably lead a prisoner revolt when he's locked up.
05/21/2024
 
Mafia guy "Bitin' Joe" puts "hit" on King Donald the Sleepy
His Honestless King Donald revealed that President Bitin' Joe had set him up, in the king's typical gangster style, for a "hit job," saying that the FBI gave permission to "shoot to kill" in the search of his huge "Mar a Log, Oh?" stupidly named hovel in the mosquito and alligator infested swamps of Florida. Tree frogs are kind of cute, though.
The FBI was not amused. "King Shithead was treated no differently than any other scumbag whose low life we ruin searching their property" they were never reported to have said. Well, maybe under their breath.
In other Rich Dufus Nooze, the defense rested in the king's porn star fraud trial.
05/22/2024
 
Live Nitwit and Ticketmonster in the DOJ crooshairs
The Deportment of Just Is revealed that it is suing to take a chansaw to those evil, vile companies who nake little girls weep.
The Nooze suggests that they just burn it down and bury the ashes. Most who have bought a king's ransom concert ticket this century probably pray their president and board perish as well. It's rediculous (diculous and diculous again) that a Doors "tribute band" (cover band) costs fifteen times what a ticket to the real Doors in the sixties cost.
05/23/2024
 
KenneDUH! picks running mate
The presidential candidate with a dead worm in his brain has picked his running mate. Nicole Shanahan, an Asian-American billionaire California lawyer is just as batshit insane as he is, if not nuttier.
Their campaign is running on "outlawing all vaccinations and, uh, what was that?"
05/24/2024
 
Nutty Yahoo "Accidentally" murders 45 innocent civilians
In Rah! Fu... Israel's Prime Monsteror Nutty Yahoo ordered two Ham Ass terrorists killed, and 45 innocent civilians died, including many children. Hundreds more were injured.
Israel's response was "Oops!"
It is not known if the two targeted Ham Ass operatives were injured, or even, in fact, exist.
05/27/2024
 
Battle of the 'loons
Germany's DW News is reporting that the two Koreas have seemingly restarted the Korean War, albeit in a very silly way.
Some activists from the south sent balloons carrying propaganda leaflets (even though true, it's still propaganda) to drop over the north. North Korea retaliated with balloons full of trash and garbage sent to the south.
The southerners fear that the next time may be chemical weapons. Time for both sides to grow up?
05/29/2024
 
GUILTY!
King Donald the Cheat has been found guilty on all thirty four felony counts in his porn star fraud trial.
We shall see if his cult of gullible minions riots again. The sentence has not been sentenced, and is unlikely to be a run-on sentence behind bars. They don't put billionaires in prison unless they piss off even more rich greedsters.
05/30/2024
 
June