December
Back to November
The Presidunce-elect is not a felon
Not yet.
To the consternation and tounge-wagging among legislators, federal charges against King Dumbold were, of course, dropped as a waste of time; he can pardon himself.
The 34 New York felonies he was conviced of by a jury of his peers, after a Grand Jury called for his trial, he has yet to be sentenced for. According to You Nark law, you're not a felon until sentenced.
12/01/2024
Presidance Bite'm pardons his son Hunted Bite'm
Hunted Bite'm has been hounded by the feds since the king was presidunce, and found guilty of felonies he had previously been given a plea deal for, that politics caused to be immediately recinded.
Of course, King Dumb old the Wierd will badmouth Bite'm for it, despite the hypocrite having pardoned his son in law's dad for similar felonies himself in his first term as presidamnit.
On top of that, King Tromp is nominating the felon he pardoned, a disbarred lawyer, as "am bass a door" to France, where they dance and prance and take off their pants.
12/02/2024
South Korea Declares Martial Law
Yep, you read that right and it's not a typoo. Not North Korea, SOUTH.
Apparently South Kornia's President You'n Suck, Y'all declared martial law because he's afraid of Commies, like some 1950s American Republicans.
"Through this martial law, I will rebuild and protect the free Republic of Korea, which is falling into the depths of national ruin." Shades of Donald Trump! Will South Korea, like their twisted sisters to the north, become a dictatorship?
Stay tooned for another epi-sod of What The Fuck!
12/03/2024
Well, that's a relief!
South Kornia's President You'n Suck, Y'all rescinded his Martial Law order because even his own party says he's batshit insane and should resign.
And that, America, is how dick taters are stopped!
12/04/2024
Defense Secretary nominee defended by his mommie
Incompetent thieving rapist (not unlike the king) Peter Hogshead, who King Evil nominated for Secretary of Defense, has nowhere near enough supporters in the SinAte to con firm him.
So he had his mommie come out to tell everyone what a sweet little darling her cute little boy was. Pitiful.
12/05/2024
One down, shitloads more to go
Syria's dicktater Basher Al Asshead is nowhere to be found. Rebels took over Syria after only two weeks, because Asshead's hitmen; Russia, Iran, and, His Bollocks, are all busy in Uke Rain and Is Real.
The world, however, is still infested with dictators and other powerfully evil men.
Merry Christmas.
12/08/2024
Mistaken identity
Roger got out of the hospital Thursday and went on vacation in Florida. He hadn't been gone an hour when our web site went down.
He called yesterday afternoon. He had been in jail again, this time not for breaking into computers, but MURDER!
He was being held on suspicion of shooting an insurance CEO in New York, where he'd never been, but was loosed when they arrested some Italian guy.
The Nooze site's outage yesterday turned out to be the boss' fault, and not our computer system. Thinking that since America had elected an incompetent president, who was hiring people even more incompetent and ignorant than him for important posts, he laid off the competent bursar and hired someone off of the street that had a hard time counting to ten. It seems she didn't know that the hosting fee was due.
12/11/2024
Meanstream Media keeping secrets from the American people
The madia have been reporting on suspicious night time drones flying over New Joisy "and now New Yuk." The government claims they're ignorant; the feds, anyway.
But the German news site DW is reporting sightings over an American air force base there.
Incompetence, or malice? Who's hiding what? Cue (or these days, queue) the conspiracy "theorists" (actually, conspiracy hypothesesists).
12/15/2024
Unasked questions are never answered
There was another school shooting. A teacher and a teenager was killed, six more were injured, two of the six critically, and the fifteen year old shooter suicided.
The meanstream madhouse idea hasn't asked why the gun owner isn't under arrest for negligent manslaughter?
12/17/2024
The federal government shuts down tomorrow. Merry Christmas!
Just in time for the holidays, at King Donald and Prince Nazi's decree, the Republicans are shutting down the government, throwing thousands out of work, just in time for Christmas.
The king, the space Nazi, and America's corporations wish you season's greedings!
12/19/2024
Correction
The government did not, in fact, shut down yesterday as we inconvieniently stated.
The boss, who ordered that misstatement, has fired his astrologer who wrote that piece, and may file a lawsuit. That is, after all, what rich people do when someone makes a fool of them.
12/22/2024
The strike is over!
Amasin and Stealbucks are still on strike, but we at the Nooze have emerged victorious over our God damned asshole cocksucking motherfucking boss.
The greedy son of a bitch had given everyone a five percent pay cut "to fight inflation" saying that if we didn't like it, tough shit. So we went on strike. He said "You're all fired. I'll replace ALL of you!"
Unfortunately for our nearsighted boss, nobody wanted to work for anyone like him at five times what he paid.
So he settled. We all got a fifteen percent raise and holidays off!
12/26/2024
The horror has already started
And the king won't even be crowned until the twentieth of next month!
Americans, and indeed, everyone in the world (except the Ruskies and Chinamen) are hoping and praying that the king hasn't stopped lying and all of his promises are bullshit. His promises:
• He will deport all foreigners, even children who were born here unless their parents take them with them when deported; you were a fan of the families being torn apart in his last term?
• He is going to raid workplaces for aliens, of whom there are millions (counting Rority. Good luck deporting HIM!). There are millions of illegal aliens (not Rority) butchering your meat for dinner, and building houses. The price of meat and housing will skyrocket.
• Tarriffs on everything produced overseas, especially Canada and Mexico. Illegal because of treaty, but King Criminal doesn't give a shit about the law. You thought inflation was bad during the last administration? It will be worse. Inflation only helps rich people like him. Inflation takes YOUR money and gives it to billionaires like him and Elon Nazi.
• Gut the EPA. Unless you're old enough to remember a time before the EPA existed, when rivers caught fire and the air around a Monsanto plant burned your lungs...
• Save the coal industry. See above; coal is the dirtiest fuel on the planet.
• Eliminate the Department of education, having said "I love ignorant voters."
• Outlaw gun-free zones, like schools, churches, and government offices
• Terminate the Green New Deal, the deal that mostly benefits you morons who voted for him
• Force Ukrain's surrender, which will start WWIII
• Defund schools that mandate polio vaccinations
You can fuck check all of this! We can only hope that he's as big a dishonest, lying sack of shit he alwas was.
12/27/2024
Former Indian Prime Minister dead at ninety two
Manmohan Singh, former Prime Minister of India, has died at age ninety two. The time traveling space alien from the future, Rority, insisted that we print this.
I asked that ornery alien why the guy was so important. It's not like he was India's Lincoln and got rid of the caste system or anything, he was just some guy, you know?
"He was the architect of India's economic reform program and a landmark nuclear deal with the United States," the little gray guy said. "But mostly, he's a direct anscestor to Khan Noonien Singh."
"Who is he?" I asked. Since I'm supposed to be a reporter I should have said... never mind.
Rority answered "Haven't you heard of the Eugenic... oh, shit! Sorry, wrong universe. No big deal here. Uh..." and he disappeared.
12/28/2024
Roger is out of jail
Saturday aftrnoon, guys looking like Men In Black stomped in and dragged Roger off, just as he was starting to attempt repairs on our ancient, decrepid network. So we couldn't work.
This morning Roger was back, shivering from the cold, his cheeks and nose a bright red. It made one think of a famous reindeer.
"They thought I hacked the Treasury Department," Roger said. "Bastards took all my belongings and threw me in jail. God, but I hate that place! This morning they let me out. No cash for a cab; they replaced my cash with a check, and I couldn't call a cab or work because the phone battery was dead."
Jenny asked "Why did they let you out?"
"They found out China did it. Assholes could have given me a ride back to work!"
12/31/2024
January
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