December 2024
Happy new year?
Early this morning in Mardi Gras Land, around three o'clock, a murderous asshole drove his midwestern sedan around barricades and ran over the partying crowd at a very high rate of speed, killing ten and injuring over thirty. He reportedly got out of his "truck" (a midwestern sedan, a huge crew cab with a bed no bigger than my car's trunk) before getting out and spraying bullets at the cops with a machine gun. Explosives were found nearby.
The police said it wasn't terrorism. Well, thank God for THAT! Killing people is okay as long as it's not terrorism?
01/01/2025
Moreon yesterday's multi-victim non-terrorist attack
The Happy New Year police in "Narlins" as the residents call it, say that The Bourbon Street killings and maimings were NOT, as we reap ported yesterday, and they repeat, NOT terrorism.
An Isis flag and other Isis garbage was found in the non-terrorist "truck." IEDs (Innefficient Education Departments) were found nearby. The non-terrorist was killed in the shootout with the Po Po Gang.
The FBI was reported by a drunken man as saying "Them damn local yokel cops are fucking STUPID! Of COURSE it was terrorism and we don't think the guy acted alone."
"Narlin" Whites were shocked to find that the murderer was a farty two year old white man until they found out he was a (gasp!) ARAB!!!. Blacks and Hispanics are sighing in relief.
12/02/2025
Some anti-Trump dipshit blew himself up in Lost Wages, Nevada
A rented Space Nazi "truck" drove up to the Trump hotel in No Vada, its "bed" filled with gasoline, camping fuel, and firework mortars, and promptly exploded.
The bomber was incinerated. Somebody else went to the horsepiddle with injuries. King Donald the Weird had no comment.
01/03/2025
Cowboy Mike back in the saddle
The House of Reprehensibles has re-elected Mike Johnson as Sneaker of the Hose.
It seems strange to see congress, especially THIS congress, do anything that isn't batshit insane.
Had he not been re-eluckted, this House would heve been leaderless, making America's government, which is almost out of cash to pay its bills, shut down completely, unable to do anything at all, not even tally the Electoral College votes or swear in (and at) any newly elected official, including King Donald the Guilty.
All we can say is PHEW!!!!
12/03/2025
We screwed up
Last Month we said that King Donald the Guilty was not a felon. This was true; as we noted, in New York you're not a felon until after sentencing.
However, we said he could pardon himself. He can't, it's a state crime and Presidents can only pardon federal criminals like himself, not state criminals like, er... himself. The New York Governor would have to pardon him.
Stan Musial (no relation to the legendary soccer player; what? basketball? No? Make up your mind!) was the writer of last month's peice. The boss has fired him.
And we may still have a felon as president this month; the judge said he will be sentenced on the tenth.
01/04/2025
Moron the guy who blew himself up last week
It turns out the guy is an active duty Green Beret, a hero with a Bronze Star.
Considering the vehicle and where it was when he blew himself up, it's pretty obvious it was unbearable to him to serve under Commander in Chief Trump again, and enlisted personnel can't resign except by suicide.
01/05/2025
Happy insurrection day!
Today, MAGATs, fascists, and Nazis celebrate the attempted coup de tit that President-Elect King Traitorous attempted.
We welcome our new fascist overlords. It's okay, democracy died with Citizens United, anyway.
01/06/2025
King Dumbold the bloody to invade friendly nations
President-elucked, also known as King Donald the Evil, has aired his intentions to "acquire" our main trading partner, Canada, as the 51st state, buy Greenland, and acquire the Panama Canal. He doesn't give a shit what the people who live in and OWN those countries think.
He refused to rule out using force.
What the hell were you dumbasses thinking last November??? Now, the boss, we understand why he always votes Republican. He knows that the Republicans have always been pro-business and anti-consumer and is too stupid and apathetic to understand or care that he voted for a Nazi. Also, he's a sociopath like Donnie and Elon. But you? WHY???
01/08/2025
No nooze today, sorry.
We were too busy watching Los Angeles burn to the ground. Global warming had nothing to do with the historic fire.
Presidunce-elekkk Trump blames California's Governor for the fire. We at the Nooze blame Rority, who will certainly try to convince us it will keep the moon from blowing up or some such nonsense.
01/09/2025
Presi dented-Elect Dumb old Trump sentenced for thirty four felonies in You Nark
For his thirty four heinous crimes, King Dipshit the Dishonorable has been sentenced to a four year sentence of involuntary servitude, mostly imprisoned in the White House, the White man's version of "the Big House".
It is hoped that this sentence will reform the unabashed and unapoligetic criminal. When he is freed in 2029 it is hoped he will become a productive member of society, rather than the parasite he and his billionaire friends have been all of their lives.
01/10/2025
Meanstream Media want you to donate to the rich fire victims
All week long the network TV news shows have shown little except the destruction of Los Angeles, tugging our heartstrings about the victims of that horrible conflagration.
They weep over the multimillionaires, all of whom owned multimillion dollar mansions with swimming pools, while completely ignoring the truly poor who were homeless before the fire and will get no help from FEMA, and will not have the network news shows asking to help THEM.
01/12/2025
Big party in the middle east
Israil and their neighbors in all of the surrounding Arab countries are celebrating like it's 11:55 on 12/31/1999, or maybe 12/25/0. 7/4/1776? Your first birthday?
We're not sure what they're all celebrating. Presumably, in light of US mainscream media's news coverage this week, we assume they're celebrating America being on fire.
01/15/2025
Tik-Tok is dead
Tick tock, the bitch is dead!
Which old bitch?"
The Wicked Bitch! Tick Tock the wicked Bitch is dead!
The clock has run out on vaChina's time bomb. The Mandarin the illustrated tick is saying translates to "I Vant to suck your data!"
01/19/2025
King Donald the Fake recoronated
The first convicted felon to become Presi dent of the US took the oath of office (lying through his teeth, as usual) at 10 AM DC time.
A man deemed by law to be too dangerous to posess a firearm is now in charge of America's nuclear arsonal.
Have a nice day.
01/20/2025
Trump Pardons January 6 hoodlums and ne'er do wells
America's first felonious president has pardoned those who vandalized the capitol building, breaking windows, trashing everything, including literally shitting on its walls, proving their hatred for our great nation, as well as attacking and injuring cops. Obviously, he figured that since he got away with his heinous crimes, so should they.
This, of course, invalidates any "law and order" noise from the once proud Republicans, now reduced to only dirty MAGATs.
You voted for a fraudster, now you shall live with your stupidity.
01/22/2025
King Donald the Heartless stops all grants and loans
This action is blatantly illegal under both federal statute, and the constitution itself. But who cares? The constitutional rule of law is the hated deep state that the Nooze's boss agrees with the king on. Rules and regulations, who needs 'em? The king insists on the right to do any damned thing he wants to, even shooting someone on forty second street.
Plus, woke is BAD! We have to stop people from waking up! We can't have them realizing that they're playing into the boss and the king's greedy hands with their stupid "culture war" they invented to disguise the class war they have waged against the 99% since Ronald Ray Gun.
The Nooze staff, however...
01/28/2025
Airplane crash, Boing! not found responsible
A US Army helicopter collided with a passenger jet over the Patomic river in Washington, DC. Both vehicles explided on contach and fell into the river.
King Pinnochio the wooden, the wooden president who wooden act presidentially, blamed Biden, Obama, and DEI (Diversity, Equity, and and Inclusion, a thing only a Nazi could hate).
The truth is, the helocopter pilot couldn't stend the idea of serving under President Bullshitter and crashed the helicopter into the plane on purpose, a mass muder and suicide.
01/29/2025
February
Share this with your Facebook friends if you're not afraid of Farsebook jail
