January

 
Last Month
 
Nooze.org is not real
Sources insist that there is a brand new website called nooze.org. These rumors are completely unfounded, there is no website named nooze.org.
Any reports you have heard that such a site exists are from blatant nonsense mongers whose mothers didn't love them. Donald Trump told me so, he and George Santos.
Perhaps you meant Nudes?
01/01/2024
 
Global Warming efforts died
Last night the world's leaders, in accordance with the climate summit held by oil producers last month, attempted to scare off the climate change monster by setting the world on fire city by city, starting in the nation of Kiribati and ending east of there twenty four hours (almost) later.
Readings indicated that rather than scaring climate change away, it fed on all of the fire works and actually grew, poorly illustrated in this photo somebody took of the carnage.
To the chagrin of climate scientists, the worlds governments, who never listen to them ("because the economy, ya know, and my cushy job...") are planning to fight climate change by burning more fossils in the hopes of giving climate change a coronary.
01/02/2024
 

 
Something about a Nazi
Space Nazi Elon Musk showed off his latest $100,000 knockoff of the $40,000 Hyundai EV, called the Cyberfuk with its really strange Nazi trunk. Some mistakenly call it a pickup truck.
It has been reported elsewhere that Musk is a Martian who was trying to drive back to his native land in 2018 in one of his Nazimobiles perched on top of his Fuggin Hevvie rocket back in the dark ages before the pandemic gave the billionaires an excuse to raise prices.
In fact, rather than Mars, which is actually a street in Springfield, IL close to the airport, Musk was hatched in apartheid South Africa and when Black people were seen as human there, he and his mother hauled ass the way out of there. And not just the ass, they had a goat and a couple of chickens and several hundred million dollars; Musk was born poor, as he says.
The latest Nazimobile was once called a Watafugizat.
01/02/2024
 
Godzilla Awakens
After the historic New Year's Day earthquake in Japan, scientists yesterday didn't report that the entity the Japanese call Godzilla awoke from its slumber New Year's Eve to take a piss. He's getting a little long in the tooth, you know.
01/03/2024
 

Republicans Visit the Border
Yesterday, after failing to come up with a sufficiently cruel, stupid, and inhuman border law, House Republicans, including the Sneaker of the House Dick Johnson (Sneaker Johnson's parents were Chinese immigrants who had their family name changed from Suk to Johnson and changed his first name because Wang is vulgar), decided to travel to the border and fix the broken down junker with sheer muscle rather than using their puny brains to actually solve the problem.
When the clueless, mentally challenged crooks return to DC, rather than write legislation to fix the problem, they have decided to Impeach the head of the Department of Homeland Security for not being sufficiently heartless and not kissing their future king, Donald Trump's, ass. They are reportedly working on a new law that makes joining the Democratic Party a felony.
01/05/2024
 
Traitorous Valor for Dummies
American traitors today celebrated the twin celebrations of Coup Attempt Day and Hang Mike Pence Day, when thousands of brave cowards stormed the House of Representatives in the stupid belief that despite all evidence to the contrary, their cult leader Donald Trump won the 2020 election. Mr. Trump is widely heralded as history's greatest fraudster.
01/06/2024
 
OOPS!
The Gray time alien from the year 6571235, Rority, visited 2024 next week with an apology for the mistake his partner, Gumal made in 2023 that resulted in Donald Trump being elected this year. "That was a major screwup, they should have sent someone older. If you don't see me before New Years, it means the world ended some time in your future."
Richard Nixon, staff writer for the New York Times, asked about the disparity of the year. "That's only six million years. You said you were from ten million years in the future," he said, putting his pen and pad away.
"That's what clued the methemeticians," the alien replied, "the year 6571235 is when humans became fully sentient. Forty two to the power of four point two is six million, five hunderd seventy one thousand, two hundred ninety five. Sometime in late spring. But thanks to Gumal's monumental mistake, if I can't fix this I'll never be born.
He then vanished, not even with a noise or a puff of smoke or a flash or anything they would have on TV. "I need to cut down on the weed," the Times reporter reportedly said.
Someone in the room said "shit, stratodoober" before a manilla volder disappeared like the alien had. No one admitted to knowing what a "stratodoober" was.
01/07/2024
 
Ham Ass can't escape Nutty Yahoo's BFG
Yesterday, Whitey Herzog, president of Israel, insisted that their genocide of Gaza was only aimed at Ham Ass, churches, mosques, and other national treasures that have stood for thousands of years.
Prime minister Nutty Yahoo added "We will not harm civilians, only Ham Ass." When he was asked about the over twenty thousand dead, mostly women and children, he replied "All of Gaza is Ham Ass."
01/08/2024
 
Boing! Boing! Thud...
The Boing! aircraft manufacturer, often misspelled as "Boeing", suffered from yet another of their patented "Fookoops". Luckily for Boing!, unlike the last two "fookoops" a year or so ago that killed hundreds of people in the most horrible way it's possible to die, nobody died. They just had the shit scared out of them.
The airline plans to bill the passengers for the thrill ride, especially the kid whose shirt was sucked off.
Leading experts have not yet said that the loose or missing bolts on the door-sized part of the plane that blew out were caused by Boing! engineers, technicians, other serfs, and the Bored [sic?] of Directors didn't give a "flying fook", as that model of death machine is called. It was suggested that rather than "Black lives matter" their motto is "no lives matter, only profit matters."
01/09/2024
 
King Donald insists he is above the law
Former President and possible future federal prisoner Donald tRump was in federal court yesterday, his lawyers insisting that presidents can't be convicted of crimes because of, er... something, despite taking an oath to uphold the law and Constitution.
At any rate, the judge asked "You mean if he told Seal Team Four and a Half to kill Elon Musk and take possession of all of his properties in his name, he couldn't be prosecuted?"
His lawyers replied, "Would Putin's court ever convict him of war crimes? Of course not!"
01/10/2024
 
Typos bit the dust
Word from ICAAN and ICAANT are that there is, in fact, a new domain named nooze.org. The above named organizations apologize for the typoo.
01/04/2024
 
OOPS...
We opologize for the typographical error in yesterday's post. The correct spelling is "Alphonse Capone". We apologize for the typoo.
01/11/2024
 
De Bait
Last night, former Central Carolina Governor Santa Clause Haley and Florid Governor Rhonda Santos (America's first transgender governor) spent part of the evening phishing for votes, or catfish, or maybe those invasive Chinese fish that fly into your boat. Okay, they're fishing for a spot in future King Donald's court, or perhaps to be The Donald's new queen.
After threatening to blow up the theater, Future King Pinnochio was heard to say "but I didn't DO anything!"
01/11/2024
 
The rumors are incorrect
Recent rumors have indicated that the fats food joint Hardley Hamburgers intends to sue The Nooze for trademark infringement for using its trademarked crooked star in the middle of The Nooze's... uh, whatever you call that thing at the top of the page, because it has the same crooked star as Hardly's! However, although they had at first intended to sue, they realized that their star leaned to the left (from its point of view, obviously wrong), while The Nooze star is simply standing on its head jeering at the hapless hamburger joint.
Speaking of joints, the Joint Chief of Staff does not imbibe in cannibis, as it makes one peaceful, and you just can't have that shit in a warrier, can you?
01/12/2024
 
Hoo These? foiled again
The Who, These? terrorist group located in the country of Yeah, Man! should learn not to mess with gangs, especially when he's a skinny little loser.
They have been shooting rockets at commercial shipping at the Sue Is Canal before the rest of the world had enough of their childifh nonsense and kicked the shit out of them.
One of the Who, These? remarked "Fucking shit, I need a cigarette!"
01/12/2024
 
Apologies for the error...
Yesterday we mentioned the Who, These? shooting at boats carrying junk for you to buy through the Sue Is Canal. We have determined that it's nowhere near the Sue Is Canal, just on the way there. They are actually in the Republican Sea, formarly called the Communist Sea before the Republicans confiscated that color.
In related nooze, the lights formerly known as "stop lights" will be called "Republights". Green lights will continue to honor the environment by letting you spew toxins while actually moving.
01/14/2024
 
Hell Freezes Over
Many of Satan's minions were in Hell, Iowa for the Republican caulk us today, and with temperatures so cold they're the same in farenheight and celcius, you need good caulking.
Most people just use caulk on the windows. Speaking of Windows, their last "update" made File Manager almost unuseable in Windows 10 (it's a feature, not a bug, they want you to use Windoze 11) and completely disabled Bluetooth in Windows 11, probably bevause they were sick of Christmas music.
All of the Republicans except Future King Donald were there, vying to be his Assistant King or possibly, in the case of Rhonda Santos, his Queem.
01/15/2024
 
Satan wins Iowa
Of course, every single candidate was one of Satan's minions. And of course, one of Satan's darlings who he loves more than anybody but Poot in, Kim Junk Ooooon, Nutty Yahoo, and Sin War: the future King Donald. The contest was his to lose, and despite all his efforts, he didn't.
Vying for Assistant Plutocratic Autarch were Little Nicky (Satan's goofy son) and the transgender governor of Florid, Rhonda Santos. "I couldn't have beaten Satan's son without my brother, George," she reportedly didn't say.
The Demo Crap just sat back and laughed at the clowns.
01/16/2024
 
Where's Walter?
We sure could use Mr. Cronkite today, because all of today's journalists are brain dead stupid.
All of them are wondering why all of the secrecy around the Secretary of Defense making an emergency visit to the hospital.
Should I tell them that we just might not want our enemies to know that the Secretary of Defense is in the hospital? "But why didn't they tell Joey Boy?" If the president needed his Secretary, he could have contacted him.
Or is it that they're not stupid, they just think you are?
01/17/2024
 
Future King Donald back in court yesterday
Yesterday, as the woman who King Donald... er, future King Donald sexually assaulted testified against the pervert, the eighty year old toddler was overheard talking loudly to his lawyer. It was suspected that he said "when you're famous you can grab them by the pussy" as he did on the Access America bus before the 2016 election. The future autarch, of course, denied the sexual assault that he had been found guilty of, this trial was just to see how much of Donald Smaug's huge pile of gold to give to writer E. Lewis Carroll, pictured here.
The judge threatened to throw him out of the courtroom if he didn't STFU.
The future ruler reportedly said afterwards "He's a nasty judge. He's a Trump hating guy. And it's obvious to everybody in the court. It's a disgrace, frankly, what's happening! Where's my God Damned binky?"
Besides the sexual assault charge he was judged guilty of, the defendant had previously pleaded guilty to fraudulently stealing lunch money from college kids who were too thick to be able to know a thief when they saw one. He has been found guilty of seventeen counts of tax fraud in New York. Despite being guilty of theft and rape and facing ninety one felony indictments in four jurisdictions, Evangelical Christians still kiss his diaper-covered ass.
God declined to comment on the atrocious stand of his "conservative" evangelicals.
01/18/2024
 
Florida bans dictionaries, encyclopedia, and other smutty books
PEN America, whoever the hell they are, says that Florida has banned eight dictionaries, five encyclopedias, and The Guiness Book of World Records.
Not included in the list of banned books is Stephen McGrew's Mars, Ho! about a hundred ninety eight drug addicted prostitutes traveling to Mars. It is suggested that the reason was that none of the characters were queer.
Transgender Florid Governor Rhonda Santos reportedly didn't admit "I'd still be straight, but when I was eight... Hey, that rhymes! When I was eight I needed a report on trains, and trying to figure out how to spell it I ran across 'transgender' and it made me curious, so I looked it up in the Britannica. I couldn't understand a word of it, but World Book got me hooked on wearing my mommy's clothes."
Reportedly, the Guiness book was banned because it listed his hero, the future King Donald, as having the world's smallest penis. It would have been Elon Musk, but he has a giant artificial penis that travels into space.
01/19/2024
 
Elon's giant dildo heads to the ISS
Elon Musk's giant dildo company, Swastika-X, sent one of Elon's artificial penuses to the ISS Thursday.
It carried three "space tourists," which are usually known as "heartless bastards with too much money, people are starving!" but these so-called "tourists" were non-government scientists. Maybe, who knows?
01/20/2024
 
The Nooze hacked by unknown group
Today we recieved Two Ransom Notices on our main computer, that read "You will stop making fun of Joe Brandon, Donald Smaug, his sister Eloi the Nazi, the Rep PUB licans, the Democ rats, the Boing! aircraft company, traitorous January six insurrectionists, Ham Ass, the Who, These?, Whitey Herzog and Nutty Yahoo, Iowa, Hardley Hamburgers, and that weird guy who keeps threatening to blow up our offices or you'll never see your scrambled data in its original form again."
We laughed at them and replied that unlike the IT people at hospitals, gas pipelines, and nuclear power plants, we actually back up our data.
The evildoers then said "shit! I mean, CURSES! None of you will get a minute's peace until you meet our demands! We may not be able to scramble all your data, but we can insert ytpos, like that one, see?" He then twirled his mustache and stomped out of the room, he being Two Ransom Notices.
The FBI just laughed at us when we tried to file a report with them. Mr. Notice's whereabouts are currently unknown. Police say if you see him, fuggedaboudit.
01/21/2024
 
Transgender Florid Governor Rhonda Santos Wins Title
Rhonda Santos dropped out of the Repo-blican race for president, saying that his mommie said he was a bad boy and should stop that nonsense and clean that lipstick off of the poor pet pig.
The cat thought it was hilarious that his dropping out bestowed upon Rhonda the title of Queen Smaug, King Donald Smaug's royal consort, or pain in the ass, or something.
Former Central Carolina Governor Haley Comet was still too far away to see, especially since the Webb and Hubble were more interested in other shit. Kind of like everybody else.
01/23/2024
 
Eloi Musk visits Auschwitz, pretends to be a concentration camp guard
Space Nazi Elon Musk visited the crown jewel of his hero Hitler, Auschwitz. The trip was a reactioo to everyone pulling their advertising from... er... what's that site's name, again?
Musk, who has as much money as two hundred twenty five millionaires (at 5% interest, a million dollars returns a $50,000 income yearly), is apparently... uh, what the hell is wrong with that pitiful man?
Sorry, got carried away. So pitiful.
He's said to be seeing Nutty Yahoo, the Jew who is practicing genocide against the Palestinians. Elon probably wants to take lessons.
01/23/2024
 
Future autarch Donald Smaug beats up girl
Little Nikki, youngest son of Bezelbub, had her ass tromped and skinned alive in yestrday's primary. "Give up, brother," Donald Cassius Smaug whined. Nikki was unable to get The Dumbald in his cask.
"It's only a scratch," the valiant evil but bruised and bloodied hopelessly outclassed evil demon said, "This isn't over."
Oh, and a union endorsed Old Man Brandon.
01/24/2024
 
This isn't over.
Echoing Little Nikkki Haley's retort to the future king, Tex Ass Governor Greg A Butt repeated it to anybody who cared, only he referred to the Civil War instead of a war between two of Satan's sons.
The Supreme Quart, er, Quiet, uh, Quit, um, Cart? GOD DAMNED SPILL CHECKER
SCOTUS had told the naughty Greg to take down the razor wire he had installed along the border to, as A Butt said, "mildly inconvienience the space aliens from the Andromeda galaxy pouring through our boarder (and she's pissed) and force feeding drugs to babies. Old man Bite'em is breaking the law!"
When asked which law, he replied "Himingratiation law."
"Immigration law? Which immigration law?"
A Butt said "huh?"
Meanwhile, Old Man Joe was in the oval office, yawning and cooking a steak with his light saber.
01/25/2024
 
Republican party shoots self in foot again
On the verge of an agreement to fix the border, fund the Ukraine and Gaza wars and keep the government solvent between the Senate, House, Republicans, and Democrats, King Donald has decreed that there shall be no more American government until he is in the Oval Office wearing his bejewled golden crown.
Various members of the House Anti-Freedom Caucus replied "Yes, sir, your wish is our command. But, uh..."
Vladimir Putin reportedly threw a big party on the news.
01/26/2024
 
OOPS...
After Little Nikkky swore that "This ain't over, buster," her rePUBlican party, after a few tequilas, determined that it was, in fact over, buster.
After snorting cocaine and high tech artificial meth off the asses of hookers, except Herbert, who used a hooker's mule... Herbert's a little strange. Anyway, after taking drugs to sober up they decided that "hey, it ain't over, buster!"
Her rival in the fight for the throne was in court, having his ass handed to him, by a girl, to the tune of eighty three million dollars. Yeah, that sounds like a lot, but do the math if your calculator goes that high. It's like you getting a twenty dollar fine; someone with a billion dollars has as much money as a thousand millionaires. His highmess won't miss it.
Meanwhile, Joe "Fish" Bitin' was endorsed by the unions. King Donald was endorsed by management. Little Nikkki was endorsed by Herbert, who was then executed by King Donald's firing squad.
01/27/2024
 

UK oil tanker can't escape Who, These? Rocket
The Who, These? terrorist group, based in Yeah, Man shot a rocket at a British oil tanker, setting it, as the British say, "alight." It may sink.
A British government spokesman said "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, I seem to have gotten a little oil in your ocean, let me find a handkerchief..."
On Stroggos, they were sending for the dead rock star Desiato, whom was thought to have access to a Flamethrower. Both Desiato and Flamethrower replied "we're Marines, not terrorists!" to which Flamethrower added "You fucking wanker!"
01/27/2024
 
King Donald gets a parking ticket
In the slander lawsuit against him by the woman His Majesty was judged guilty of sexually assaulting, the judge awarded him over eighty three million dollars.
"Such a huge settlement!" said the math-challenged media, who don't realize that a billionaire has as much money as a thosand millionaires. It's pocket change to King Donald.
01/28/2024
 
Nooze indicted on three felony counts
Nooze.org was indicted this afternoon on three felony counts. The first was for a duplicate posting, or "dupe". The second was for felony redundancy.
The third was from Tex Ass Suckutary of Stud Jane Nelson, cousin of some actor from the fifties, who put out an APB (Apple-Pecan Butter) on the nooze for flagrant truth telling about Governor A Butt. Apparently, lies are required there. It was also decreed by Governor A Butt that all words were true. This formed an endless loop that caused a black hole that smelled really bad and looked
UPDATE: We were sitting around the conference table wondering what the hell was going on, when the space alien who says he's from Earth's future sauntered in. "Sorry, folks. That didn't happen."
"What didn't?" asked the managing editor in a shakey voice.
"I told you, nothing didn't. I went back and kept it from happening."
"But what didn't happen?"
The alien then disappeared. So I guess we don't have a nooze item today, maybe something will be printed tomorrow. Ask the alien.
01/28/2024
 
What the hell happened?
We were sitting around the conference table discussing... uh I don't remember, because that wierd little freak who says he's from the future popped in. Not like magic, more like borrowing a phrase from the British. "Sorry, folks. That didn't happen," he announced.
"What didn't?" asked a managing editor in a shakey voice.
"I told you, nothing didn't. I went back and kept it from happening."
"But what didn't happen?"
The alien then disappeared. Gertrude, another one of our managing editors (a hundred four years old and can outrun you) said, "well, what's going to be the lede item today?"
"Maybe the three gold stars and forty purple hearts?" Tex volunteered before a light bulb lit above his head as if he was a cartoon. "Hey! That's agoing to be a country song! Gotta go, let me know."
The janitor who had just changed the light bulb over Tex's head said "any more broken shit you want me to fix?"
"How about the border?"
"Okay, it might take a while, that's pretty complex."
Ralph Tyrebytre, yet another editor, said "Did't you spell that wrong?"
"Spell what wrong?"
"Lead."
"No."
Gertrude said "Come on!"
"What the hell happened? Son of a bitch!" the janitor cursed as the bulb burned out again.
01/30/2024
 
Gongress gives social media perverts a good tongue lashing
Unwilling to actually do any governing, despite the looming shutdown over the budget, the crisis on the southern border, homelessness, and unwilling to do anything positive about... well, anything, they decided to chew out the tech giants.
There are already many bills about the subject waiting to be passed, but Congress would rather just put on a show. It's a lot less work.
Zuckerbird apologized for the deaths of the children who committed suicide because of his evil soul. There is no plan to act like Farsebook is anything but a heartless, evil, billion dollar corporation.
01/31/2024
 
February