February

January
 
House cuts King Trump's taxes again
The House of Representatives cut taxes on businesses, which of course is a windfall for Donald Tramp, Jeff Bozos, the Sucklers and the Walmartons.
A Democ rat whined "but what about the poor?"
"Fuck 'em," Senator Kruz responded. "No, wait! Look, we can help our billionaire friends even more by giving the starving workers a child care tax credit, which helps us by reducing pressure to grant pay raises."
"I'll buy that," the Dumbocrats replied, too stupid to realize that mandating a minimum wage that would actually raise a small family like back when America was great would solve the child care problem, the homeless problem, and wipe out half the need for food assistance.
They're too dumb to even insist on repealing the 2017 tax cut that caused a third of the deficit the Re pub licans are bitching about.
02/01/2024
 
Schrodinger's Rodent predicts the second coming
The old wives get together for the old tale every year on the second day of the second month, not for the second time, seconding the motion to yank the rodent from its burrow and see if there will be six more weeks of winter.
As has it done for ages, the rodent replied "There will be six more weeks of winter, which starts March nineteenth, dumbasses!"
In numerology, two is seen as the number of the fool.
02/02/2024
 
Bar Fight!
Sam Murica, world heavyweight boxing champion, was in the Midaest Bar, Grill, and Bait Shop when skinny little Who These (them furriners sure got them some strange names, ain't they?) decided to have a word with the heavyweight boxer. "You think you're tough shit, don't you?" the Arab said. The big guy ignored hum.
The obviously drunken little man, who was notorious for getting drunk and starting fights, then called Sam a racial slur. Sam gave him a disgusted look, but otherwise ignored him.
"You son of a bitch!" the small man screamed, and punched Samuel in the gut. Sam ignored him. Popeye kept punching and Sam kept ignoring him, until the Arab rascal kicked him in the balls, obviously a former football player.
Sam's face reddened as he grabbed his crotch grimacing. The little man laughed, and Sam beat the hell out of him, landing, as a retired boxing referee later reported, eighty five hard punches before the stupid little dipshit collapsed on the floor.
"Now stay down!" the big guy threatened, taking another sip of his beer.
02/03/2024
 
Correction
Yesterday's post posted the incorrect photograph of Samuel Murica. The individual actually picturied yesterday was Apollo Creed, thinking back to a half century ago when he kicked Sylvester Stallone's ass.
Pictured here is the real six foot four Samuel Murica. We apologize for the error.
02/04/2024
 
Hooda Thunkit?
The dumb little Arab, nicknamed "Popeye," was stupid enough to get up (but what would you expect from a blow like that?).
Murica took another sip of his beer and These punched him again.
Poor little guy.
02/05/2024
 
Senate to the rescue!
The Demoncrats and Repo blakans in the Senate have come together to craft a bill to keep them pesky furriners outta our country without, to Tex Ass Governor A Butt's dismay, shooting them as they come in. Everyone seems happy with the plan, that President Buy Dumb has promised to sign and immediately impliment.
Of course, King Donald immediately vetoed the bill. "Don't fuck up my chances to grab America by the pussy again!" he reportedly said. Or something like that.
02/05/2024
 
Phillips kills over five hundred people
The Phillips manufacturing company was not arrested for mass murder yesterday when it was announced that their "See, Pap?" machines had sucessfully executed over five hundred people who had committed the capital crime of snoring.
The Federal Investigation Bureau (F.I.B.) announced that the Just Is department was not even going to charge Phillips with a single count of manslaughter.
ATTorney General Merry Garland, just back from Mordor, said "This is America, you communist! Corporations are above the law! Didn't you learn anything from your indoctrination machine?"
02/06/2024
 
King Donald vetoes border bill
After months of grueling work on a bill to fix the southern US border, subsisting on gruel and water, the Senate announced that they had solved the insoluble border problem. The 370 page bill was sent to the House of Reprehensibles, most of whom have a third grade reading level and the rest being dyslexic. One reprehensible, Major Tail Greene, is completely illiterate, as opposed the the merely aliterate rest of the House.
"Grab that pussy!" the king shouted. "You can't let the damnocrats steal my re-election by actually FIXING problems! I decree that until November there will be no more problem solving until I, The King, am coronated again!"
His sock puppet, Sneaker of the House Dick Johnson, obediently obeyed, as minions always do.
02/06/2024
 
Oops, again
We were in the meeting room having a nice meeting with a bong and two dozen cases of Guiness when that damned space alien walked in. Ronald almost choked on his donut, he's the cop that supplies the weed and beer. I can't tell you why he does it, I promised. At gunpoint.
"Damn," Ronald said. "Rority!" We have two writers and fifteen editors because of the the threats by the terrorist hackers who said that they would insert typoos on ourr wwebsite but wee haven't fund any.
"No, he was busy. I'm Gumal. Now..."
"Wait a minute," another editor, Bertha Bombarter, chimed in. "You're Rority, I recognise you!"
Harry, the night watchman, looked at the ceiling and back and said "Sir, them space aliens all look alike."
Gumball or whatever he said his name was said "we were..." before Bertha interrupted again.
"If you're from the future traveling through time, then what diffrtrnce it make when he leaves?
The alien sighed. "You're protohumans! Explaining it to you would be like you explaining your job to your dog!"
"I don't know, Rascal's pretty smart..."
"We don't have time!" the alien snapped. "I can't stay that long. You did it again."
"What?"
"Committed a dupe"
"Shit."
"Watch it or I'll have to kill somebody else!"
"What?"
Shit, I'm out of..."
He thenm vanished, without the special effects movies and TV has gotten us accustomed to.
"Hand me that bong!" Bertha ordered.
02/07/2024
 
Impeachment!
As was almost another felony against the Nooze that those damned space aliens had to fix, the Reprepublican party in the House of Reprehensibles listened to King Donald's veto of the bill they had been begging for for YEARS, and poof! It was gone.
Unwilling to face the Pence Gallows but hungry for blood, they then attempted to impeach the head of Homeland Sucurity, Alejandro Mayorkisass, despite the fact the Sucretary had done nothing wrong. All but four Repo Blackkkans voted to impeach him, because they Just don't like Hispanics! I mean, come on!
The birdcage liner Vox said that losing was an embarrassment, although those with a few more brain cells realize that trying to impeach an innocent man is stupid in the first place.
The new RePUBlican slogan is "Vote for us, we're almost as stupid as you!"
02/07/2024
 
The Emperor Has No Pants
His MAGAtstry, King Donald, was ruled guilty of being a clueless, un-American moron for thinking that a US President had the power to commit crimes with impunity, the three member board of the court of appeals ruled unanimously.
"What the hell is wrong with him? He must be a drooling idiot!" one woman thought she heard one of the judges say.
It was suggested that the ageing monarch ain't no young worm no more and it was feared he might have gone batshit insane.
02/08/2024
 
The Supremes sing about insurrection
Yesterday the Supreme Court heard arguments about whether or not King Donald could be on the Colorado ballot in the primary.
However, the constitution doesn't say he can't run, only that he can't serve (of course, he never served when he was in office before). So if he actually wins the election, there will be another case determinimg if, in fact, the Constitution exists at all.
02/09/2024
 
FBI pisses off President Bite 'em
Like James Comey putting down Hellarewe Clinton announcing that she probably was a crook but they couldn't prove it in the 2016 election, Special Council Ben Hur announced that the president was innocent; or rather, that he wasn't very guilty, then saying the presidunce was a stupid old man who got flustered when Hur insulted his dead son.
"See?" the old King Donald spewed as his attendant wiped drool off of his cheek and another brought in a clean diaper, "If he's innocent, so am I!"
02/10/2024
 
Nothing happened
Okay, there was a football game. BFD.
02/11/2024
 
King Donald decrees that NATO must die
A couple of days ago at some kind of rally, sports cars, maybe? King Donald said that the National Aeronautics and Trade Association... wait, what? Wrong NATO, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization shall be no more, that he and his puppeteer, Vladimir Putitin, were going to form an alliance to create a World Empire with King Donald second in command; a figurehead.
Of course, Putitin cab't conquer the world as long as NATO (not the trade organization) exists. So King Donald has decreed that NATO shall be a protection racket, not unlike the extortion the filthy dirty stinking disgusting rich use to make Congress their puppets. "If they don't pay up, I'll sic Count Vlad on 'em!" the king said.
02/12/2024
 
Senate actually does something
Yesterday the Senate passed the bill that would fund the defense of Ukraine against the Russian empire, as well as fund the Jewish Genocide of the West Bank Palestinians.
The king will likely veto it again because Emperor Putitin of Russia is his puppetmaster. The king does nothing without the Emperor's permission, and Emperor Putitin wants Ukraine as a stepping stone to conquer the rest of Europe before handling other continents.
02/13/2024
 
House impeaches cabinet member
Despite having committed no high crimes or misdemeanors, the House of Reprehensibles impeached Homelend Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkisass for "er, we don't know, fuck the constitution, King Donald calls it 'the deep state'. We never bothered reading it" the Sneaker of the House said, as the king held the Pence noose.
This was the first impeachment of a cabinet officer in almost a hundred fifty years, and that guy took bribes. They impeached him the day after he resigned.
However, there is a greater chance of winning the powerball lottery, being hit by lightning, and being bitten by a shark in Lake Superior than the Senate convicting an innocent man of doing his job.
02/14/2024
 
>$350,000,000.00
King Donald, the proven king of Fraudland (he fooled you, didn't he?) was today fined over a third of a billion dollars for "Business Fraud". Less humorous and more serious is he's barred from running a corporation for three years.
He laughingly planned to appeal, since the King of Fraudland is powerless to pardon a state crime.
Some wonder "where will he get the money?" He's a fraudster, a liar, a THIEF. He'll steal it, don't worry about him.
02/16/2024
 
The Nooze was GONE!
"Okay," the Big Boss said, "Where's the Nooze? Who was supposed to be..."
"But, sir, I did write it. Yesterday, I don't know who did Sunday..."
"Relax," a voice said.
"Who said that?"
"Me." Just then that damned alien popped into view. Well, not exactly "popped," there wasn't any noise. At any rate, that damned alien stood there.
"Shit," the Boss said.
"What you wrote might have clued someone important that I killed that Russian. Look, it doesn't matter. You guys won't remember any of this, any way.
"Any of what?" Roger asked. Roger's a bit of a stoner, one of our army of editors.
I was curious. "Wait, You killed him? Not Putitin?" I asked, actually doing some work.
The alien looked sheepish, albeit without any wool. "If that madman gets back into pow... oh, look at the time."
And he was gone.
"Did something just change?" the boss asked. "Something's weird." I think it's weird how much he gets paid for not doing anything productive, but I don't either.
Roger said "I don't know, but are the walls breathing or is that just my eyes?"
02/20/2024
 
"Snot my fault!" - Roger
"This better be good," the Big Boss said.
"My phone broke yesterday and I couldn't call it in!"
"Bullshit!"
"No, Boss," said Mary, a better editor than Roger. "The whole AT&T network is down."
"well, shi..." just then the door burst open and five big cops grabbed Roger and put him in handcuffs.
"You're under arrest for unauthorized use of a protected computer."
"What?"
"You hacked AT&T!"
"But..."
As they were dragging him off, the boss turned to me and said "slap something up and put yesterday's date on it.
02/21/2024
 
Sweet Home Alabama
Where the sky is so blue
Sweet home Alabama
No IVF for you!
Yesterday the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that an embryo is no different that an adult human being. Jethro heard this and replied "well, why don't the little guy git his shotgun? You don't need gubmint!"
Despite the fact that the United States was founded as a secular nation, with its very first constitutional amendment stating that you can worship whoever or whatever you want, even if the "what" is money, or nothing at all, the brainless Alabama judges used a Bible verse as a reason for the ruling, stating that God said "I knew you when you were in the wonb." That must have been as far as they read, because it continues "I knew you before you were in the womb!"
In Vitro Fertilization clinics are now closing in Alabama, home of America's most fucked up politicians.
02/22/2024
 
Busted!
We almost forgot, but that damned alien told us that we need to post about the Russian secret agent that had faked "evidence" that then Vice Presidaunt Bitin' (in charge of vice, of course) took bribes from Russia's mortal enema, Ukraine. No, that wasn't a hacker's typoo; thanks to Putitin, Ukraine is now Russia's biggest pain in the ass. Which is why his friend, King Donald, doesn't want us helping Ukraine.
Satan laughed. "Suckers!" he sneered.
02/23/2024
 
Roger came staggering in
He was holding about a fourth of a fifth and looked like he had gone through six rounds with a heavyweight boxing champion, or an auto accident. My money was on a wreck, considering the bottle. "Holy shit, Roger," the Big Boss said, "What the hell happened to you?"
"It was the weirdest thing, Boss. Really! They booked me, and the jail disappeared! I sat there in the grass."
"You look like somebody roughed you up."
"Well, I got hit by a bus."
"What?"
"Yeah, the grass turned to assfault, and I got up and a bus hit me. The next thing I knew that damned alien was standing there saying 'I think you'll live' and he gave me this really good shit and I figured I'd better go back to work."
"I thought the cops said you hacked AT&T?"
"They said WHAT?"
He looked puzzled. "What were we talking about?"
"Tomorrow's story?"
"Oh, yeah!"
02/24/2024
 
Sorry we're late
Roger got arrested again, the news came to us this morning via that damned space alien that says he's from the future. I don't know why the little bastard didn't fix it, if he's really a time traveler.
He was supposed to investigating the AT&T outage last week when police arrested him outside their headquarters for posession of an explosive device.
The space alien replaced him for us, with a future computer that simulated an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters. So far for the AT&T Nooze they have completed "To be or not to BANANNA"
02/25/2024
 
Wendy's Hamburger has a stroke
The Wendy's corporation was rushed to the hospital yesterday after it decided to change food prices on the fly. Of course, everyone was alarmed.
There was a sigh of relief when it was discovered that Wendy's didn't have brain damage, it just couldn't understand that most people, unlike its CEO and Board of Directors, don't have unlimited supplies of money.
02/27/2024
 
Republican party in its deathbed
Yesterday the presidunce, the Sneaker of the House, the Demoncrat House head, the Senate presidance, and the Reprobateublican leader of the Sin ate all gathered together in the White House to try to talk some sense into the Wooden Speaker, who Wooden Legislate.
King Donald's fist was firmly up his sock puppet Johnson's ass.
The king decreed that the life support machine not be unplugged until after the November election or his incarceration, whichever comes first.
Note: sharing this nooze on ex-Twatter may get you banned from Elon's Nazi web site.
02/28/2024
 
Doctor McConnel announces his upcoming retirement
The Republican party, in hospice and barely clinging to life, lost its best surgeon yesterday when Dr. McConnel announced "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here next November!"
The unreported threats to torture his great grandchildren to death in front of his eyes by the hospital administrator, Dr. Trump's minions, had absolutely nothing to do with his decision to quit, right after being unable to sway King Donald's sock puppet.
02/28/2024
 
King Donald gets a reprieve
Donald Rump, who recently beat out the Kountry Krypto Kid as king of the Fraudsters after being crowned to the tune of almost half a BILLION dollars (after interest payments) was granted a reprieve in his treason case for the attempted coup of 2001 and an audience with the Supreme Court Ruling Only Towards Unanimous Magnificence (SCROTUM).
The SCROTUM will rule on rather or not King Donald of Makebelieve is above the law, as the king has believed all his life.
02/29/2024
 
March